Friday, April 1, 2016

Where do the introverts go to breathe?

I'm an introvert, but I can function well in a social environment. With the right mix of people, you might even confuse me for an extrovert. I love the occasional large party, but I do not like chaotic masses of people. I'm most happy with a small core of deep friendships, and I would love to invest deeply in these over years, and watch our lives entangle in common memories. This takes vision, effort and intentionality. Vision, effort and intentionality that I don't have the emotional resources for because...

I look at the calendar and notice some routine events during the next weekends. Suddenly, my chest feels tight, my heart beats faster, I can't breathe as easily.

Why?

I just want to be free of this feeling - the constriction, the weight, feeling like a lonely face in a crowd searching for the life-raft of a face I know deeply, yet unable to cling because of the waves of others. Free to breathe, free to go deeper with a few than spread thin in the tens or hundreds of people, free to invest *primarily* in the relationships that bring life. Free to find a rhythm that serves our family, rather than fit our family into a schedule that I can't emotionally afford.

But what about our call and mission to support one another? Build up the body? Wearing the smile of the happy and willing participant, I feel the dread wash over me. I shove it away again and again because we aren't dictated by our emotions. I start to feel the tears build as I type this. Perhaps I'm over-relating. I don't know what life is aside from this, after all.  We know the world is crumbling and this is a protection. It is a good thing. Surely it is all worth it. How do I do this and breathe at the same time?

Is it just me?




2 comments:

Angelique Nowak said...

Can't you just be a cloistered Wife and Mom? You just stay home and prayer for everyone. Pop a note care in the mail here and there to let people know you are praying but never see them. You're Welcome! Also, I love you just the way you are.

C Fenton said...

Even extroverts run out of gas, have their batteries depleted. Jesus said, "Apart from me you can nothing." We recharge in Christ, in the Lord's Supper, in the promise of forgiveness He made and assured by His death and the triumph of His resurrection.

We sometimes say yes to others and no to ourselves. We sometimes say no to others and yes to ourselves. We sometimes make the improper choices so we suffer or others suffer.

Jesus let down his guard all the way to the suffering the cross. He invites us to do no less and walk forward without fear to say "yes" and "no" trusting in Him to work out the details of our limitations and bring reconciliation to all of this.

And so we learn of Him, and then in Him, learn of who we are in Him. We pray, "Jesus make a way." when we do not see a way.