I'm an introvert, but I can function well in a social environment. With the right mix of people, you might even confuse me for an extrovert. I love the occasional large party, but I do not like chaotic masses of people. I'm most happy with a small core of deep friendships, and I would love to invest deeply in these over years, and watch our lives entangle in common memories. This takes vision, effort and intentionality. Vision, effort and intentionality that I don't have the emotional resources for because...
I look at the calendar and notice some routine events during the next weekends. Suddenly, my chest feels tight, my heart beats faster, I can't breathe as easily.
I just want to be free of this feeling - the constriction, the weight, feeling like a lonely face in a crowd searching for the life-raft of a face I know deeply, yet unable to cling because of the waves of others. Free to breathe, free to go deeper with a few than spread thin in the tens or hundreds of people, free to invest *primarily* in the relationships that bring life. Free to find a rhythm that serves our family, rather than fit our family into a schedule that I can't emotionally afford.
But what about our call and mission to support one another? Build up the body? Wearing the smile of the happy and willing participant, I feel the dread wash over me. I shove it away again and again because we aren't dictated by our emotions. I start to feel the tears build as I type this. Perhaps I'm over-relating. I don't know what life is aside from this, after all. We know the world is crumbling and this is a protection. It is a good thing. Surely it is all worth it. How do I do this and breathe at the same time?
Is it just me?